Woodman Quotes and Heckles

If you have any quotes or heckles which you would like me to add to this page please send them in.
Paul Bedingfield likening the BICA Band to a stricken oil tanker, following their pre-performance tune-up Woodman 05/03/10	"That was more slick than the Exxon Valdez!"
Steve Walker turning down Larry's offer of a Salsa Lighthouse 04/02/10	Larry: "You all know this one by the Mavericks. There's room up the front if you fancy a Salsa" Steve: "No thanks. We're not hungry"
Terry Bonham questioning Pete Kelly's play list Woodman 29/01/10	Pete: "I've been trying to think what to play tonight. I've tried three times to write a play list but given up. Instead I'm going to play everything I know" Terry: "So what are you going to do in the second half?"
Busby thanking Barry for coming on stage without warning to help him with a song. Woodman 15/01/10	Thanks Barry; do you realise we've invented a new genre ........... karefolky
Bob Bignall feeling at ease with the Woodman audience Woodman 15/01/10	I know I'm amongst friends now, because you've all picked your own key to sing in.
Dick Woodhouse withdrawing an offer just as it is being made! Woodman 15/01/10	This song has a good refrain if you would like to refrain...
Terry Bonham, denying ever having embraced Billy and Loz Woodman 04/12/09	Billy: " It's about a year since we first came to the Woodman and we would like to thank everyone for embracing us ........." Terry: "We never touched you!" Billy: "........Especially Terry and his Barracks......... did I say Barracks?"
Emily and Chris of Isambarde have one of those rare "Valerie Wilkins" moments. Woodman 20/11/09	Emily: "We're still young enough to say that we have never seen Nic Jones perform" Chris: "We'll always be able to say that - you don't get born earlier as you grow older"
Paul Bedingfield guessing the content of Kenny Speirs surprise telephone call. Woodman 13/11/09	Following on from Judy Dinning discussing photos of her grandchildren. Kenny: "Imagine how I felt to realise I was sleeping with a granny, and then a few weeks later MY son phoned up and guess what he said ...." Paul: "...... What? He was sleeping with a granny as well?"
Paul Bedingfield and Derry Jones in a tangle of guitar leads on stage Woodman 13/11/09	Paul: "Derry has always wanted to be a celebrity chef. Look at all the spaghetti he's made on stage!" Derry: "That pasta me by"
Bram Taylor with thoughts on Six Packs. Woodman 6/11/09	Bram explaining that Adam's rib was used to make Eve, "It's not just any rib but the one across the abdomen that holds men's stomachs flat!" Derry, "He took six of mine!" Bram, "That's how you lost your six pack!"
Barry Priest redefining our understanding of choruses Woodman 6/11/09	"There are choruses to this one, but they're all different."
Anne Munro speculating on Ian's future. Woodman 6/11/09	Corrine, after Ian manage to mess up the beginning of a Bica Band song, "What's the matter with you tonight?" Anne, "He's going into a home if he keeps on like this."
Paul Bedingfield having nun of Trevor's self-deprecation after Keith's generous thanks for a nice introduction. Woodman 31/10/09	Keith: "Thanks, Trevor, your introductions are nice these days" Trevor: "Well, I did think of introducing you as the Singing Nun" Paul: "But he's got out of the habit"
Derry Jones questioning the age of the old man in Bewdley, who inspired Tim Judson's song Woodman 12/06/09	After making various references to the average age of the audience, the young Tim Judson introduced his next song. Tim: "This song came from a story I heard from an old man in a pub in Bewdley" Derry: "How old was he? 40?"
Nick Evans of evanStevens clearing up some confusion for the audience Woodman 22/05/09	Sue: "If you know this, you can join in" Murmurs of provisional agreement from the audience Nick: "Actually, she was talking to me"
Sue Stevens of evanStevens taking the opportunity to confirm the presence of the audience whilst Nick is tuning up Woodman 22/05/09	Sue: "Now, I've got a chance to stare at the audience" Terry: "Why? Can't you believe we're here?" Sue: "Actually I'm really pleased you all turned up!" Keith: "We didn't know you were on"
Joe Topping causes some debate as he uses an unfamiliar term to describe the Woodman audience, which ends up with him using a more familiar term. Woodman 8/05/09	Joe: "I'll finish off with this song as I can see you are quite an eclectic audience." Terry: "What does that mean?" Ian: "That means we're plugged in." Joe: "You are possibly one of the silliest audiences I've ever played for."
Kieran Halpin perhaps overestimating the Woodman's legendary chorus singing ability Woodman 24/04/09	I know you're good at choruses. One of my friends once asked me what the Woodman was like. I said it's one of those clubs where they sing the chorus before you write it.
Sue Matthews (pun of the year award!) - urges Trevor to keep his hair on Woodman, 17/04/09	Trevor holds up Busby's heron in a surreal fashion during the applause for Chris Matthews Sue: "Keep your hair on Trevor"
Trevor Durden trying to hit the right note for Lynn Woodman, 17/04/09	Lynn: "I need a note - can you give me a note Trevor?" Trevor: "Hummmmmmmmmmm" Lynn: "Preferably the right note!"
Audience sympathetically commenting on Bryn's leg injury that put him out of action the previous week, as he hobbled onto the stage.. Woodman, 27/03/09	"Break a leg" "Give it some stick" "Let's not have a limp performance" Bryn (safely back in his seat): "I think I got off lightly, there"
Debbie welcoming Derry's sister, Carol, to the club Woodman, 27/3/09	Debbie: "I'd like to welcome Derry's sister, carol to the club. Derry always gets nervous playing in front of his big sister" Carol: "Hey! Not so much of the Big"
Paul Bedingfield clarifying the height of the microphone stand for the benefit of Keith Judson after six foot plus Dick Woodhouse had finished singing Woodman, 20/03/09	Keith (approaching the mike): “Oh! This is Dick height.” Slight pause while the audience digested what he had just said… Paul: “No, I think it’s head height.”
Chris Matthews questioning the size of Busby's pigeon. Woodman, 20/03/09	Busby produced a full size plastic heron instead of his usual plastic pigeon: Chris: "Buz, has your pigeon grown?" Busby: "No - he's just pleased to see you"
Ann Munro & Trevor Durden discuss the relative merits of banjos and bodhrans, later joined by Mick Bisiker. Woodman 30/01/09	Ann: "Why do people always make fun of banjos?" Trevor: "It takes the pressure off bodhrans" Mick: "You can think of a bodhran as a banjo with the bad bit thrown away"
Paul Bedingfield explaining the total absence of geography teachers to Dave Love Woodman 23/01/09	Dave: "Are there any teachers in tonight? Specifically, any geography teachers?" Paul: "No. They all got lost on the way here"
Trevor Durden asking a key question of Dick Woodhouse Woodman 23/01/09	Dick: "I'm going to have to play this one sitting down" Trevor: "Why? Is it in a lower key?"
Ian Munro introducing the concept of a schedule to the club. Woodman 16/01/09	Ian "I'll now introduce the main act. We're not doing too bad - only 9 minutes behind schedule" Pete: "I didn't know we had a schedule" Trevor: "Perhaps someone bought him some time management software for Christmas" Bryn: "...... or a watch"
Bryn Phillips, concerned for Ian Munro's health, as Ian explained why the BICA band were not performing Woodman 09/01/09	Ian: "We were going to play, but one of us has been taken ill again." Bryn: "Is it you?"
Pete Brown, questioning the second prize in the raffle Woodman 07/11/08	Ian: "The second prize is free admission to an evening of your choice!" Pete: "Is that anywhere, or does it have to be here?"
Ian Munro, introducing Cathryn Craig and Brian Willoughby Woodman 07/11/08	"Known separately as Cathryn Craig and Brian Willoughby, and I like you to welcome them tonight, as, …………….. .. .....................Cathryn Craig and Brian Willoughby."
Anthony John Clarke offering Rachel Hall a heart-felt, self-deprecating, compliment. Woodman 17/10/08	After Rachel had finished yet another inspired fiddle introduction to one of his songs, which left the entire audience and AJC in awe ... Anthony John: "Sometimes I feel like an extra"
John RIchards & Chris Drinan discussing the more intimate terms of their contract. Woodman 19/9/08	John: "Our new CD is going to be called 'For Love nor Money'" Chris: "Actually, our contract says that we play either for Love or Money" John: "Luckily Ian hasn't ticked the 'Love' box"
Derry Jones questioning Beck Siàn's hasty description of the Woodman audience Woodman 13/6/08	Beck: "My albums sell for £13 on my web site but seeing that you are such a handsome audience you can have them for just £10" Derry: "She should have gone to Specsavers"
Maggie Brown questioning Ian's request for some barracking Woodman 23/5/08	Ian: "You are a very quiet audience tonight. With my croaky voice I could do with some barracking." Maggie: "Why? With your croaky voice you wouldn't be able to answer back"
Paul Bedingfield remarking on the size of Richard & Chrissy's (Blackheart) van, after their compliment to the Woodman Percussion ensemble Woodman 25/4/08	Chrissy: "The percussion was wonderful - are you coming on tour with us?" Paul: "The van's big enough!" Richard: "It has to be to contain her ego" Audience: "Ooooooh"
Pete Kelley & Caelen Cross introducing a "Tipton Song" Woodman 18/4/08	Pete:.... "Let's do a song that nobody knows" Caelen: "Do I know it?" Pete:.... "Probably not - it's from Tipton" Caelen: "It won't have many chords in it then"
Sam McLeod of Flaxenby setting off a trio of tired jokes featuring Paul Bedingfield and Ian Munro Woodman 11/4/08	Sam: "I used to work for a tyre company" Paul: "It must have been a Good Year" Sam (2 secs later): "You need to tread carefully" Ian (2hrs later): "Are you on You-Tube?"
Trevor Durden - suggesting an alternative thank-you to Ian Munro, as he and Paul leave the stage. Woodman 29/2/08	Ian (introducing): "Well, as it's only Paul and Trevor, half of 'Nothing to Prove', I suppose I should introduce them as 'Nothing'. So, a big hand for 'Nothing'" Ian (thanking): So, it's thank-you to 'Nothing'" Trevor: "Thanks for 'Nothing', would have been better!"
Busby - gratefully receiving the loan of Ian's guitar Woodman 1/2/08	"Blimey! it's in tune ............ Well Done!"
Paul Bedingfield ignoring the facts to get his heckle in during Bryn's introduction to "That's no Way to Stop a Train" Woodman 1/2/08	Having already emphasised that the Brian Wilson in this song is the Peace Activist and not one of the Beach Boys.... Bryn: "... so Brian Wilson lay down across the Train Tracks.." Paul: "Did he pick up Good Vibrations?"
Ian Munro - Interrupting Sally Barker with an unkind reference to England's Football Team Woodman 25/1/08	Talking about coaching children at football Sally: "I've only got my Level 1 coaching badge" Ian: "That would be good enough for England"
Steve Walker - on Trevor Durden's introduction for Bob Curry. Woodman 7/12/07	Trevor: "I'd like you to welcome Bob Curry and his glamorous assistant" Steve: "That narrows it down a bit"
Ian Munro - Clarifying the position re pantomime tickets Woodman 23/11/07	If you haven't got your tickets for the pantomime yet, it's because I haven't printed them.
Pete Brown - correcting Sue with a surreal observation evanStevens Woodman 23/11/07	Sue: "If we do more in this half, it will leave less for us to do in the second half" Pate: " It won't be a half, then"
Ian Munro Explaining his singers' night strategy Woodman 9/11/07	Ian: "I've tried to get everyone on early-ish but there are so many people, someone has got to go last ...................... Does that make sense?" Audience: "NO!!!!"
Wildfire - during the introduction of a song Woodman 9/11/07	Robin: "I haven't heard this before" Alistair: "I haven't played it before"
Clive Gregson - after a long and very intricate guitar break Woodman 2/11/07	If it's worth doing, it's worth over-doing
Christine Gregory Woodman 2/11/07	Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it
Lin - Clarifying a point for Trevor during their performance. Woodman 26/11/07	Trevor: "What's the chorus, Lin?" Lin: "The chorus is the bit that comes between the verses"
Emma Richards, commenting on fatherly concern as she leaves the stage. Woodman 12/10/07	John: "Hey, watch my beer!" Emma: "Notice that it wasn't 'Look out darling, don't trip on the steps'....."
John Westoby - Giving an honest answer to Steve Walker after Bryn and Steve had performed Whitehorse Blues, enthusiastically assisted by the audience on maracas, eggs and assorted shakers. At the bar - Woodman 5/10/07	John: "I liked White Horse Blues, I thought you played it well" Steve: "Thank you. What did you like best - Bryn's guitar or the HARMONICA? Be honest!" John: "The percussion"
Ian Munro perhaps needing to choose his words more carefully when replying to Anthony John Clarke Woodman 14/9/07	AJC: Perhaps I'll finish with this song if that's all right with you, Ian" Ian: "Yes. Definitely." AJC:"You couldn't make it up if you tried. That's the folk club equivalent of 'Get Off'."
Anthony John Clarke posing a geographical question during a rendition of "One Night Stand" Woodman 14/9/07	AJC: "This time in a French Accent" Audience: "And he took it and he took it and he took it and he took it and he took it and he took it and he took it and he tookit" AJC: "What part of France was that? Dudley??"
Ian Munro Thanking Dick Woodhouse after a particularly good set of tunes on his guitar. Woodman 7/9/07	"There's always an element of satisfaction and pride when you hear someone copying your guitar style"
Paul Bedingfield being disarmingly honest in response to Jo's (Caliko) warning that she might collapse and need a substitute from the audience. Woodman 4/7/07	Jo: "I've not been too well the last couple of days. I've had a stomach bug and as a result I've hardly eaten anything. So, if I collapse, someone will have to take my place and sit next to John, looking glamorous." Paul: "Well that lets most of us out, then"
Paul Bedingfield commenting on Nothing to Prove's image Woodman 22/6/07	You can see we're getting more professional. We're putting the capos in the right position now, before we cock-up.
Trevor Durden informatively answering a rhetorical question raised by Robin whilst commenting on Matt Martin's talents. Woodman: 1/6/07	Robin:" OK, he's young, he's good looking and he's a talented multi-instrumentalist. But what else has he got?" Trevor: "Hair"
Ian Munro, offering a pre-emptive thankyou to Queensberry Rules, cut short by Gary WIlcox. Woodman: 20/4/07	Ian: "Have you got an encore?" Gary: "Yes, but we've got another song first!"
Malcolm Jeffrey commenting on Chris' potentially disastrous request to the Naughty Corner. Woodman: 13/4/07	Chris: "More percussion please" Malcolm: "Hmmmm, now that's something you don't hear every week............"
Pete Brown making a geographically correct point to Graham Collins, as he introduced his set Woodman 13/4/07	Graham: "I haven't been here for a few years. In fact I had a job finding it again." Pete: "Can't see why. They haven't moved it"
Malcolm Jeffrey Introducing a not-quite James Taylor song Woodman 13/4/07	After spending a few minutes talking about James Taylor before introducing his next song: "Although this is not a James Taylor song it's got a lot of the same notes"
Monica delivering what must be the shortest ever version of the iconic 1950's anti-war song by Ed McCurdy Lighthouse 1/2/07	"Last Night I had the strangest dream ......................... .......................................................................................... ...............................it must have been the cheese!"
Derry Jones perhaps not quite on message, after performing "A Little Time" with NTP Woodman 26/1/07	Paul: "Well, the message in that song was pretty clear!" Derry: "Was it?"
Steve Walker, misinterpreting the audience's call for an encore and being corrected by Trevor Durden Woodman 12/01/07	Steve: I usually only do one, but seeing as you've shouted "MORE" I'll do another. Trevor: We actually shouted "NEXT"
Christine Gregory lifting one of Barry's Introductions from the depths of despair Woodman 5/01/07	Barry: Introducing a song about growing old: "We all have to get old ... you can't escape it" Christine: You may have to grow old but you don't have to grow up!"
Barry Priest introducing a song at the Christmas Pantomime Woodman 15/12/06	I'm going to do a Christmas song ................. No, it's more of a religious song, really.
Ian & Ann Munro - slick as always as they introduce the next band Woodman 2/12/06	Ann: "Do you want me to introduce the next act?" Ian: "Yes, go on then" Ann: "Alright .................. who are they?"
Chris Drinan introducing his "Country" song. Woodman 17/11/06	Whatever you say about Country Music - you can love it or loathe it - but it always rhymes.
Derry commenting on Keith's guitar playing - Woodman 10/11/06	"He's not a bad picker for a Vicar"
Keith (The Vicar) Woodman 10/11/06	"Those of you that know me will be aware that I go to church quite often - it goes with the job"
Steve Haynes - acknowledging some well deserved applause Woodman 10/11/06	Is that applause, or is everyone slapping their faces to keep awake?
Barry Priest - introducing a song, dedicated to Cath Mundy, whilst being heckled by Trevor Durden Woodman 13/10/06	Barry: "Seeing Cath heavily pregnant reminded me of when our children were very young. So, this song's for Cath....." Cath: "Ooooh ..... thank you!" Trevor: "You haven't heard it yet." Barry: " .... It's called 'We Stayed Awake'"
Anthony John Clarke - making a reality check during Steve Walker's introduction Woodman 29/9/06	Steve: "To give you an idea of how good Anthony John Clarke is, Sandra even missed Coronation Street to get here early to see him" Anthony John: "That's no big deal really - she can always catch up with the omnibus edition on Sunday"
Dave Sealy - with a Cosmotheka reminiscence Woodman 22/9/06	They were always getting our name wrong. I remember one club organiser introducing us as: "Cosmo The Ka"
Sue Stevens - Coming up with a new House Rule Lighthouse 21/9/06	If you want to talk, then talk when people are singing, not when I'm announcing them!
Kieran Halpin - Discussing Jet Lag Woodman 8/9/06	I got jet lag in Sydney. Well .... I went via Hong Kong and didn't sleep for four nights. I think that's jet lag.
Busby Following Keith, Tim, Natalie and Sarah Woodman 7/7/06	I feel like I'm following the Von Trapp Family
Ian Munro giving a warning to musicians everywhere Woodman 30/6/06	In the early days I had a tuning fork. I used to bang it against my knee. I've had a gammy leg ever since.
Ian Munro playing "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" with Paul and Debbie taking on Chris Tarrant's role. Woodman 16/6/06	Ian, finishing his first number after a few stumbles "I think I've finished." Paul, " Do you want to phone a friend?" Debbie, "Or do you want to ask the audience?"
Dave Love The Olde White Rose, 18/5/06	You mustn't appear to be too slick in a folk club. You don't want to distance yourself from the audience.
Clive Gregson Woodman 12/5/06	In the second half I'm going to do all of my greatest hits....... It doesn't last long, but it's good.
Grant Baynham - on becoming aware of the "Naughty Corner". Woodman 5/5/06	"They've got their own show going on in that corner!"
Trevor Durden - quick as ever - heckling Ian Munro, doing a solo spot without the BICA Band Woodman 7/4/06	Ian: "I wasn't going to do this song tonight, it's supposed to be a Band song." Trev: "It should be!"
A well-travelled Paul Bedingfield answering a question from Clive Carroll Woodman 24/3/06	Clive: "Has anyone here been to Nashville?" Paul: "I've been to Enville!" Clive: "Close"
Ian Munro quick as a flash to Trevor Durden Woodman 17/3/06	Trev making an observation after he played a misplaced note (or five) on his mandolin at the beginning of a song Trev: " Sounds like an Ian Munro instrumental" Ian "At least I get it wrong in the right key"
Ian Munro, praising Barry Priest as he leaves the stage. Woodman 17/2/06	Following a particularly spirited version of "Live Like You're Dying" "He must have been taking in air from somewhere else!"
Tom Napper - Linking the Woodman's 35th Anniversary with Bryn's Anchorite song Woodman 10/2/06	You're like a bunch of Anchorites here. ...... 35 years of the Woodman folk club
Conversation overheard at the bar between Ian Sutherland, Tom Napper and Paul Bedingfield Woodman 10/2/06	Ian:" I'm thinking of going to see a band called 'Badgers' tomorrow night - does anyone know what they play?" Tom: "I think they play Brock and Roll" Paul: "I don't know, but I hear they do a good sett"
Pete Kelly commenting on Caelen Cross' talents as he picked up his 5 string mandolin. Woodman 3/2/06	'You've got to be really warped to play the 5 string mandolin. ...... Caelen is the ideal person because he's really warped!'
Ian Munro stepping into another of Trevor's "quickies", whilst introducing Malcolm Jeffrey Woodman 28/1/06	Ian: "If you've not seen Malcolm before he usually has an evening to himself around November - ish" Trevor: "Yes .... Nobody else comes
Jez Lowe referring to the (almost) legendary Woodman percussion section Woodman 28/1/06	"It's like playing for the Goons ...... I have nightmares like this ....... I'm getting really worried about the song I have planned for the second half. It's about a flatulent horse"
Trevor Durden getting a quick retort from Jez Lowe Woodman 28/1/06	Jez: "If you come from the North East they expect you to be big, tough and hairy" Trevor:" And that's just the women!" Jez: "Thank you Madam"
George Papavgeris referring to the Woodman percussion section. Woodman 13/1/06	Never again will I look at a banana or a carrot the same way
Bryn Phillips aka the New Spooner Woodman 9/12/05	What he should have sang "Made to sweep chimneys" What he actually sang "Made to cheap swimenys" Afterwards he said: "I thought I'd got away with it" Altogether now ....... "No-o-o!!"
Vin Garbutt Woodman 4/11/05	"I've been coming to the Woodman since 1971 - Does that make me the only regular here?"
Steve Tilston Woodman 15/10/05	"Nowadays I've got to put my glasses on for anything past the seventh fret"
Cath Mundy & Jay Turner commenting on the Woodman Chorus Woodman 8/10/05	Cath: "You sound like a band of heavenly Koalas" Jay: "But you smell better"
Alan Taylor commenting on the age of Mick Harrington's banjo Woodman 22/7/05	Mick: This banjo was made in 1911 Alan: Another year and it might have been on the Titanic
Martyn Wyndham-Read Woodman 22/7/05	I've been coming to the Woodman as an annual event for a long time now. In fact I can work out how old I am by counting the times I have been and then trebling it.
Trevor Durden heckling Hillary Spencer's Yellow Towel Quicksilver at the Woodman 15/7/05	Hillary: "This towel was white when we started out" Trevor: "Three years ago...."
Pete Brown & Trevor Durden making some profound observations as Bryn prepares to perform the Throckmorton Coat. Woodman 15/7/05	Trevor: "No-one, not even a sheep, dies in this song" Pete: "The wool dyes, though"
Risky Business being heckled by Mick Harrington. Woodman 8/6/05	Ruth: "One fret too high - that makes me sound like Julie Andrews" Mick "More like Archie Andrews"
Anthony John Clarke Woodman 24/06/05	I really want to get on the Woodman Quotes and heckles - I've even bought a book of adult humour.
Isambarde - Some toilet humour Woodman 29/4/05	Chris: "Here's an interesting fact for you, Did you know that George I died on the toilet?" Jude - "So you could say he was toppled from his throne!"
Richard Heath poses a reasonable question to Paul Woodman 15/4/05	After numerous interruptions from a friendly if somewhat unruly audience Paul: 'They're not putting you off are they Richard?' Richard: 'Off what?'
Jim Reynolds Woodman 18/3/05	They say that you get gigs by doing floor spots.......... I did mine in 1979
Paul Bedingfield / Clive Carroll After playing a blistering guitar piece, Clive was changing his guitar to an alternative tuning Woodman 4/3/05	Paul: It'll be nice to hear what it sounds like when it's in tune. Clive: Actually, I'm changing the tuning to Irish Tuning G-A-E-L-I-C
Paul Bedingfield - correcting Mac (of Fairfield Folk) Woodman Panto - 17/12/04	Mac: The more we drink, the better we sound Paul: No. The more we drink the better you sound
Ian Munro - discussing mobile phone technology whilst attempting to introduce Nick Evans Woodman 10/12/04	Nick: Don't worry about the bulge in my trouser pocket, it's only my mobile phone Ian: [Pause] ... I've got one which vibrates.
Anonymous Heckle giving a quick comeback to Mike Silver, Woodman 2/12/04	Mike Silver; telling the story of the damage to the neck of his guitar by accidents and baggage handlers): "I've had it mended but it's twisted. I'm having a new neck for Christmas." Audience heckle, " Unlike the turkey!"
Ian Munro Woodman 12/11/04	"Don't forget to get your tickets to the pantomime. It's good value with free food ............. the tickets cost £6.50.
Viv Bamber Woodman 12/11/04	"This is a song by Kate Rusby. She wrote it when she was even younger than she is now"
Sean Cannon Woodman 15/10/04	"I'll tell you what. I've got a joke and a song for you. I'll sing the song first and then tell you the joke afterwards. That way you'll have something to look forward to"
Mick Harrington - checking the tuning of his instrument with Pete Woodman 15/10/04	"That's thrown us ... they're in tune"
Paul Bedingfield and Trevor Durden Making a "request" to Ian Munro Woodman 15/10/04	Paul "Do the one we like" Ian: "Well actually, I wasn't thinking of doing anything" Trevor: "That's the one we like"
Steve Walker noticed someone laughing during his "Banjo Song" Woodman Singers' Night 8/10/04	"Don't laugh, I might carry on"
Derry Jones digging up another observation for Bryn's "London Necropolis Railway" Woodman 17/9/04	"It's the only time that the trains run on time, but all the passengers are late"
Trevor Durden somewhat undermining Martyn Wyndham-Read's erudite observations following Sue Steven's rendition of "A Drop of Nelson's Blood." Woodman 16/7/04	MWR: "Nelson was put in a barrel of brandy to preserve his body after the Battle of Trafalgar. It's said the sailors kept taking a swig out of it on the voyage back to England." Trevor: "At least it had body!"
Ian Munro - mentioning Singers' Night which starts off the new season Woodman 16/7/04	"I'm really looking forward to our next singers' night; you never know WHAT's going to turn up"
Pete Morton Woodman 2/7/04	I need to get my guitar in tune for this song ..... .... jazz hadn't been invented when it was written
Trevor Durden - Joining in some Risky Business on-stage introspection Woodman 25/6/04	Ken: " Ruth sounded like a cross between Gracie Fields and Mary Poppins" Trevor "Gracie Poppins?"
Paul Bedingfield - Heckling Cloudstreet with an "original" observation Woodman 11/6/04	John was introducing a tune called "Dick's Pig" Paul: "Not Pig's dick then?" (Pause for tittering) John: " We've been playing this for over three years now and this is the first time ANYONE .. has decided that was worth saying!"
John Thompson (Cloudstreet) - asking Paul Bedingfield for some clarification during his on-stage banter - Woodman 11/6/04	Paul: "I used to be an angry young man but as time goes on I've decided to settle for being a handsome young man" John: "And how's it going?"
Malcolm Jeffrey - Leaving stage after enthusiastic applause - Woodman 11/6/04	"Thank you for that warm hand upon my exit"
Mick Harrington - commenting at the bar when Ian Munro, on stage with the BICA band, forgot the words and was prompted by Barry Priest - Woodman 7/5/04	"That's incredible ...... Barry's got the words written down on a piece of paper and Ian's singing them ...... that must be an Irish Prompt."
Hillary Spencer, heckling the "g" of Quicksilver Woodman 7/5/04	That's typical of Grant - Grabbing the attention of the audience and then doing nowt with it!
Bob Fox Woodman 30/4/04	This song is about living your life as though each day will be your last .... and one day it will be.
Derry Jones & Mick Harrington with some instant puns to heckle Tom Napper, who was tuning his instrument after a long introduction about the use of Fullers Earth and urine in the making of Harris Tweed - Woodman 23/4/03	To fully appreciate these you have to read them out loud, preferably after a drink or three. Tom: "Did that come out, my ears are full of .........." Derry:"....... earth" Mick: "Are you hard of urine?"
Paul Bedingfield - returning to the London Necropolis Railway theme Woodman 26/3/04	Paul: (after Bryn started off the evening singing about the London Necropolis railway, featuring Brookwood Cemetery) "Bryn, I can see why Ian gave you the Graveyard Spot"
Anthony John Clarke Woodman 12/03/04	Everything about this club I like. Even the till is in the key of G
Allan Taylor - Heckling Anthony John Clarke 12/03/04	AJC: "You know you're not going down very well when they're looking at their watches in the front row" Allan: "They're looking at their calendars back here, mate"
Ian Munro At the end of the evening 27/02/04	And don't forget the week after next.................................. Anthony John Clarke, who's a big fan of mine ................................................. I mean, I'm a big fan of his.
Kieran Halpin (paraphrased) Woodman 20/2/04	"This is a song about drinking alone. I tried it once, but didn't like it - perhaps it was the company I was keeping"
Jacqui McGinn - Continuing the "Necropolis Railway" theme Woodman 20/2/04	Jacqui: "Bryn, are you sure that Brookwood Cemetery is on the outskirts of London?" Bryn: "Positive" Jacqui: "Oh ... I'd always thought it was in Gravesend"
Dave Plimmer - A nice turn of phrase Woodman Singers' Night 13/2/04	"In my state of advanced refreshment, I'll probably forget the words"
Mick Harrington - continuing Paul's theme from the week before - Woodman 6/2/04	Mick: "Bryn, where did you say Brookwood Cemetery was?" Bryn: "On the outskirts of London" Mick: "Oh ... I thought it was dead centre"
Kate Madge commenting on Harriet Bartlett's incredible piano accordion playing - Woodman 6/2/04	Harriet: "This is a very simple Swedish Tune by Aly Bain" Kate: "Knowing her, it won't be very simple at all"
Paul Bedingfield - feeling a pun coming on after Bryn's rendition of his new song "The London Necropolis Railway" - Woodman 30/1/04	Paul: "How big did you say Brookwood Cemetery was?" Bryn: "There's been almost quarter of a million burials there" Paul: "That must have been a hell of an undertaking"
Tommy (standing in for Sue as MC) introducing Anne Adams..... Lighthouse 15/1/04	".....and now for our second LADY OF THE NIGHT"
Trevor Durden after Clive Carrol played a spectacular version of duelling banjos on the banjo he borrowed from Ian Munro - Woodman 5/12/03	"That's all there is to it Ian"
Dave Plimmer Setting up his guitar with help from Ian Munro Woodman 28/11/03	Ian: "You're plugged in, but not switched on" Dave" That's the story of my life"
Gareth introducing a Laudon Wainrwright song Woodman 28/11/03	"This is a very funny song........ ..........please laugh"
Bob Hadley being helped out by Bob Curry Woodman 24/10/03	Bob H: " This is a sea shanty from .........." Bob C: "........the sea?"
Ted Lucas Woodman 24/10/03	"You've got to die of something, but I'm not going yet ... I've got too many people to annoy"
Ian Munro at the end of the evening, encouraging the audience to come again next week. Woodman 19/10/03	"Next week we have that sensational songer singwriter ...................Steve Tilston"
Barry (again) being heckled on stage by Ian during a BICA-break as he tells the audience a bit about himself Woodman 3/10/03	Barry: "I work at college as a lecturer in electrical installation. I'm a spark really" Ian: "Not a very bright one!"
Cath Mundy commenting on the Woodman's rousing chorus singing Woodman 26/9/03	"Hey, the singing was great. Like Phil Spector. 'The Woodman Wall of Sound' "
Barry Priest being heckled by Paul having just plugged his guitar into his DI box strapped to his waist. Woodman 19/9/03	Paul: "Barry, is that a modern colostomy?"
Brian Oldham on stage at Northycote Folk Festival being unkind to Trevor, who was only trying to help. Mind you he had a point. 6/7/03	Brian: "What's that word that starts with 'C',; you know, when you've finished something?" Trevor: "Completed" Brian: "Thanks, that's it. Just because you wear stupid trousers, it doesn't mean you're stupid, Trevor."
Harvey Andrews giving a short response to Ian Munro's ramblings Woodman 4/7/03	Ian: "Right. Next week it's Nancy Kerr and James Fagan. Nancy's quite attractive, so all the lads should come; and, I suppose, James is quite attractive too, so all the girls should ..." Harvey: "I'm off!"
Nothing to Prove giving Ian Munro a hard time, because he was a bit slow responding to Derry's request for a sound man. Woodman 27/06/03	Debbie: "What have you been doing to him Anne?" Ann (indignantly): "Nothing! absolutely nothing!" Debbie: "That's probably the problem, then"
Derry Jones offering a technical explanation to Ian and Ann at the Woodman 13/6/03	After Ian stumbled over some syncopating rhythms and intricate fingerwork on Aran Canal Derry: "Did you learn that one off a CD which skipped?"
Steve Walker being heckled by Trevor Durden, Woodman Singers Night, 30/5/03	Steve: (Introducing a Sea Shanty) "A friend of mine, who was a barber, joined the navy ...." Trevor: "Did they put him on a clipper?"
John Prentice being heckled at Upton whilst tuning up Upton FF 3/5/03	John: "Stop me when you like it" Anon: "We'll be here a long time then!"
Barman at the Muggery, bringing a plate of gammon and chips into a singaround. Upton FF 3/5/03	Barman: "Did anyone order a gammon?" Anon: "Yes I did .... yesterday"
Barry Hunt introducing a Richard Thompson Song at the Chase Folk Club, 18/4/03	What's this song about? ........ well it's about 3 minutes!
Paul Bedingfield making a somewhat unfair observation re Steve's Harmonica Playing at the Woodman Singers' Night 11/4/03	Steve 'Potato Chip' Walker "I like playing with Bryn when he's had a few drinks - he doesn't notice my mistakes" Paul "He's never had that much to drink!"
Ruth (Risky Business) Woodman 4/4/03	'My ambition when I'm old is to be one of those mad old women who sits on the steps wearing a crimpolene dress and smelling of wee.'
Trevor Durden in full agreement with Ian Munro on Anthony John Clarke's guest night at the Woodman, 14/3/03	Ian: I was going to do an Anthony John Clarke song, but on reflection I won't. I prefer to hear him sing them..... Trevor: So do we! (in fairness, Ian's interpretations of AJC's songs are pretty good!)
Bryn Phillips and Mick Harrington, marvelling at Maartin Allcock's guitar work on John Wright's first number, Woodman 6 Dec 2002	Mick: Just look at that flash guitar playing. Bryn: It's always a mistake to be that clever on the first number, you've got nowhere to go. Mick: You're absolutely right. I never make that mistake.
Alan Taylor joining in Ann & Ian Munro's on-stage marital dispute featuring dead flowers and dog biscuits at the Woodman 22/11/02	Ann Munro had just berated Ian for buying her some "dead" flowers, which it emerged had been purchased from the bargain bucket. Ian "..... Then I went and bought some biscuits for the dog" Alan "Were they broken?" Ian "Unlike Ann, the dog doesn't give a monkey (paraphrased) what sort of biscuits it gets"
Bryn Phillips & Mick Harrington propping up the bar watching Desperate Men - Woodman 15/11/02	Bryn: "Is that a six string bass he's playing?" Mick: "Yeah, they're the easiest."
Paul Bedingfield not quite believing Steve Tiltson's modest introduction - Woodman 25/10/02	Steve: This is a song I've always wanted to write - it has only got three chords in it. Paul: What's the first one? C sharp minor diminished ninth?
Lynn Offering sympathy to Bryn at the bar, who in total awe of Clive Carroll's guitar playing was considering his future - Woodman 11/10/02	Lynn: "Anything wrong?" Bryn: "Wondering whether to give the guitar up" Lynn: "Ain't nothing stopping you."
Vin Garbutt - Woodman 4/10/02	Responding to the sound of a pint glass crashing to the floor "I wouldn't wear contact lenses that big if I were you."
Trevor Durden responding to a jocular remark from Paul - Woodman 28/9/02	Paul (looking at Trevor fooling about): I'll have a pint of what he's been drinking. Trevor: You already have!
John Kirkpatrick offering some advice to Paul Bedingfield - Woodman 28/9/02	John: "This is a drinking song" Paul: "Sounds like my sort of song" John: "If you can't sing the chorus, just gargle"
James heckling Jay Turner at the Woodman 13/9/02	Jay: "The kookaburra is a VERY loud bird. Has anybody ever heard one?" James: "I married one."
Ian Munro - on unaccompanied singing, Singers' Night 6/9/02	I don't know how people sing unaccompanied; I always have to have something in my hand
Ian Munro & Steve Walker - A surreal conversation overheard on 6/9/02	Ian "Do you want to Sing tonight?" Steve: "No thanks" Ian: "Thank God for that" then ... after a moments reflection Ian: "I didn't mean I don't want you to sing - it's just very difficult to fit everyone in" Steve: "It's too late to apologise, Ian. I've already taken umbrage" Ian: "I didn't know you listened to the Archers"
Tommy heckling George after George had put on his glasses to read his music Little Eileen's 8/8/02	Hey George, your eyes must be good to see anything through those glasses!
Martyn Wyndham Read - Woodman 12/7/02	A visit to the Woodman is one of the highlights of my year
Trevor Durden - a nice one-word heckle during Vikki Clayton's between songs chat at the Woodman 28/6/02	Vikki: I used to go out with a fisherman - he was called Rod Trevor: Reely?
Ian Munro - Heckling himself onstage Woodman 7/6/02	This is called "One Day" ....................................................... ................................................................................................ ......................................hang on, I'm still practising it..........
Mick Harrington - an aside to Maggie Boyle's comment about the Golden Jubilee Pop Concert - Woodman 31/5/02	Maggie: It'll be interesting to see how Brian May handles playing God Save The Queen from the roof of Buckingham Palace. Mick: It'll be interesting to see how Ozzie Osbourne handles the Corgis.
Trevor Durden - Heckling Richard Heath of the Gravelly Hillbillies - Woodman 31/5/02	Richard: We've got some CDs in a case at the back - If there's no-one there, just take one and leave £1 on the desk.......... Trevor: I have, but I'm still waiting for change.
Ann Munro - responding to Ian, onstage, Woodman 24/5/02 (see 17/5/02)	Ian: Come on, come on, are we ready? Ann: I'm just tuning my bohdran.
David Harris - Heckling Ann Munro as the BICA band were tuning up - Woodman 17/5/02	Ann: Well at least I don't have to tune up my bohdran! David: Why did you buy a tuneable bohdran then?
Derry Jones - commenting on some particularly loud whistling P.A. feedback - Woodman 10/5/02	That must be the most boring song that Roger Whittaker has ever made.
Paul Bedingfield - unkind aside to Bryn - Kieran Halpin at the Woodman 10/5/02	Kieran Halpin: This is one of my four optimistic songs Paul: Hey, Bryn, that's three more than you've got
Rod Penlington, (MC at Upton Folk Festival 2002), introducing Sarah Jones	We will give her a minute or two to get upset; I mean set up......
Ian Munro, Introducing Jez Cope's second session of the night	Let's have a warm hand for a young man who has only played here once before ..... and that was tonight.
John Wormald - Part of a rambling introduction, Woodman, 12/4/02	This guitar has only got four strings. It's not that I'm a Yorkshireman, it's supposed to; it's actually called a tenor guitar. Not that it only cost a tenner, mind you, in fact .....
Trevor Durden, heckling Barry Priest - Woodman, 12/4/02	Barry: (Putting his words on the music stand) When you haven't sung a song for a long time, it always pays to have a crutch... Trevor: I've always found it depends on how you're sitting
Ian Munro, Woodman 5/4/02	I haven't played this one since the last time I played it...
Bryn Phillips, Woodman 1/3/02	This is a song called Chico Mendes. It's about a guy called Chico Mendes ......
Bill Jones, Woodman 22/2/02	I first came here in May 2000. You were the first folk club to pay me a decent fee.
Trevor Durden, heckling Ian Munro introducing the BICA Band's new song Woodman 15/2/02	Ian: "This is a new one; we can't keep playing the same old rubbish" Trevor: Is this new rubbish then?
Bob Fox, Woodman, 25/1/02	I really liked the job as a long distance lorry driver. In fact it was a bit like this one, except I didn't have to sing when I got there.
Ian Munro, filling in time on stage, whilst being heckled by Paul Bedingfield 4/1/02	Ian: "I didn't think I'd get here tonight because I had an appointment at the eye hospital…." Paul: "What was the problem? Couldn't you find it?" Ian: "No, I got there alright, but they didn’t see me for four hours."
Bryn Phillips, referring to Trevor Durden's jumper depicting a skier 4/1/02	Bryn - "Hey Trevor, I didn't know you skied" Trevor-"I don't. In fact I've got a lot of equipment I don't use"
Derry Jones, Heckling Brian Oldham Woodman 30/11/01	Brian - Trying to tune guitar, whilst Ian is fiddling with the sound system "Hey, Ian, you'd think there'd be some gizmo in there to compensate for out of tune strings" Derry: "It's called Guinness"
Joe Stead, Woodman 23/11/01	Responding to Paul's attempt at heckling him "There's a man with an Achilles Head"
Maggie Brown - Mis-heard Intro PTA Concert, 17/11/01	Barry: Introducing We'll Rise Again "This is a song about re-incarnation" Maggie: "What did he say? A song about a green carnation?"
Paul Bedingfield, Heckling Bluesman John - Singers Night 16/11/01	John: holding his Cuatro, which looks a bit like a ukulele "I'd like to do a little number called ...." Paul: ".....When I'm Cleaning Windows"
Mick Harrington Woodman 16/11/01	"..... this story goes on and on and I wouldn't want to bore you - not when playing the banjo is an alternative."
Ann Munro Woodman 16/11/01	I shake my eggs to perfection
Ian Munro on stage with BICA Band Woodman 9/11/01	"Forget about the sound engineers who work with the big-name artists - we've got Derry!" Spontaneous applause from audience "Mind you, he doesn't seem to know where each one of us is on the mixer"
Cheryl Beer Woodman - 2/11/01	You can be a big fish in a small pond or a little fish in a big pond. It doesn't matter - the important thing is to keep swimming.
Barry Priest Winding up the night 26/10/01	Thanks to everyone. Nice to see some new faces and some old faces I've never seen before.
Derry Jones Heckling Emily Slade 5/10/01	Emily Slade: This is a song about two virtuous maidens. There aren't many of those about nowadays. Derry: Well not round here, anyway.
John Kirkpatrick Woodman - 21/9/01	That Harrington's shouting out from the back again..... Do you let him in every week?
Trevor Durden Heckling Bluesman John 14/9/01	John (re his guitar): It got stuck in the door tonight and I need to tune it Trevor: What?! The door?
Maggie Brown Heckling Roger 14/9/01	Roger: I've got a little ditty.... Maggie: I bet you wish you had a big one!
Steve Walker Heckling Mick Harrington Woodman 14/9/01	Mick: (re his second banjo) This is a most unusual instrument Steve: Why? Is it in tune?
Martyn Wyndham-Read Woodman, 20/7/01	Following the sound of smashing glass "Well, there's someone who can't hold his drink"
Martyn Wyndham-Read Woodman, 20/7/01	re: the way some of the audience had been waving outsized felt hands on bamboo canes during Bryn's "Throckmorton Coat" which referred to "hands chapped sore" "I've decided against singing Cock of the North"
Ian Munro Woodman, 6/7/01	After completing a song almost note perfect: There are two chords in there. I'm not sure what they are without looking them up....
Mick Harrington Woodman, 6/7/01	I had this note from Christine .... "You must play your banjo".....hang on, I've misread it, it says ....... "Play your banjo if you must"
Vikki Clayton Woodman, 29/6/01	Forgive me, I might be saying this rather a lot tonight - This song is taken from my latest album (fluttering of eyelashes)
Paul Bedingfield Woodman, 15/6/01	What's the point of taking life seriously? You live, you die, and then it's over. Might as well enjoy it while you're here.
Pete Morton Woodman, 8/6/01	I've had two requests for this song. One to sing it ..............and one not to sing it.
Ian Munro & Trevor Durden Ian, discussing the outcome of the first song of the evening, Woodman 8/6/01	Ian: ....."That seemed to go alright" Trevor: "It's the best one tonight"
Derek Brimstone Woodman, 25/5/01	This song's got two verses In the trade we call it a two-verser.
Pete Brown Heckling Lee Collinson, Woodman 18/5/01	Lee: This is a slow air ................. Pete: .......... Is a slow 'are the same as a rabbit?
Trevor Durden Heckling Lee Collinson, Woodman 18/5/01	Lee (Who had been eating a sweet for the first few songs) I've got this sweet I need to get rid of...... Trevor.......Is it a Tune?
Paul Bedingfield Woodman 4/5/01	from Paul on stage to new performer at the club "Is your name Steve? Steve."
Kate Woodman 27/4/01	Re Peter Knight's violin playing................. It sounds like that violin has 10 strings .....................and that was during the tuning up
Peter Knight Woodman 27/4/01	(re his next musical piece) I'll have a rummage and see if anything pops out
Paul Bedingfield Woodman 21/4/01 Heckling Bryn's introduction to Barbara Allen	Bryn - This is a song we used to sing at primary school .... Paul - Whatever the song is, it must be traditional by now.
Ruth (Risky Business) Woodman 23/3/01	I'm all excited now - I was thinking of my Mum and potato peelers
Karen Hares 16/3/01 On stage at the Woodman holding up illustrated pages for the chorus of Bryn's "Bluesman" Song	"What happens if I drop them?"
Malcolm Jeffrey 16/3/01 Introducing his feature night (after photographing the audience waving at him)	I've got some bad news and some badder news. The bad news is that I've got a cold coming on. The badder news is that it hasn't come along quickly enough to save you.
Ian Munro 2/3/01 After the first performance from the Crag Band for 3 months ……	And another big hand for …………. ………………………….Nothing to Prove
Elli Bedingfield (Paul's Mum) Woodman 2/3/01	Paul started talking when he was nine months old and hasn't stopped since.
Barry & Corinne On stage at the Woodman 2/2/01	Barry (to audience): If you want to join in on the singing with this one you'll have to tighten your underpants. Corinne: What if you haven't got any on?
Clive Carroll (Commenting on the demands on his time made by his 18 month child - Woodman 26/1/01)	Nowadays the only chance I get to practise is at gigs. (At which point several aspiring guitarists and banjo players were seen to be crying into their beer)
Ian Bruce (Commenting on the BICA Band's rendition of Jimmy Come Solo - Woodman 8/12/00)	It's really nice when I hear other people singing my songs; even when they're sung like that. (Only joking! Later he told them to keep singing it.)
Ian Munro (to Maartin Allcock who performed with Kieran Halpin - Woodman 1/12/00)	Oh, Sorry - I didn't realise you were part of the act; I thought you were Kieran's roadie.
Mick Harrington (Tuning his banjo - Woodman 1/12/00)	Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a perfectionist.
Ian Goodsman (Woodman 7/7/00)	My mother must have wanted me to play the blues when she named me Ian. My wife has kindly pointed out that an anagram of Ian Goodsman is "A Moaning Sod".
Harvey Andrews (Woodman 23/6/00)	Making choices is all about deciding which of the things you don't need you want the least.
Mick Harrington (Woodman 16/6/00)	This is a medley, but you probably won't notice because it's so seamless.
Derek Brimstone (Woodman, 16/6/00)	They say that if you condense your life into the seasons of the year, then Spring is your childhood, Summer is your youth, Autumn is your middle age and Winter is your old age ............I'm Oct 28th myself.
Mick Harrington	This is coming over a bit too slick. Do you think I'm over-rehearsed?
Keith Hancock (re Woodman Backdrop)	Playing at the Woodman is like playing on a Viking Longboat
Maggie Brown (re Ann Munro's Bohdran playing)	Play your drum with attitude!
Corinne Priest	I've got a real treat for you tonight ......
Medium Paul	Shall I tell the frog joke?
Ian Munro (On a forthcoming club guest)	She's young and female - what more can I say?
Pete Brown (At a Richard Thompson Concert)	More! More! Play the one we like!